The Onion is proud to give The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. during this scandalous memoir, America's favourite baby-kisser discusses his early years, ahead of he turned final wingman to the chief of the loose global. For the 1st time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative reviews of his lifestyles, together with his formative years promoting hooch in Scranton, his years cruising university campuses deciding on up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summertime of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware. conversing of his personal paintings, vp Biden says, "Amigo, you are only one click on clear of deciding to buy Uncle Joe's inform all autobiography. My sweetest guitar riffs, bustiest lays, wildest benders, and sexiest appropriation accounts, it is all in there. you will not just pay attention approximately me and my blood brother Barack, yet I warrantly you will decide up a few methods that'll serve you good within the sack. Plus, i am deep within the gap right away and very desire the scratch."
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He used to be telling approximately how a lot “Operation: Mindcrime” rocked and the album wasn’t popping out until eventually ’88. you recognize He will be all-powerful and shit, yet God’s a gorgeous down-to-earth dude. That divine stumble upon should have tuckered me out simply because I conked out for approximately an afternoon and a part, in response to Blaze, who tossed me within the again seat of the Trans Am and drove us again domestic. I got here to someplace round Indianapolis and Blaze passed me a big spliff. it appears he scored a host of weed from the police facts locker in Tulsa. After my mystical brush with the Maker, i made a decision that a few mysteries are left unknown and puffed at the big-ass joint whereas quietly reflecting on what a unbelievably fucking outstanding summer time i used to be having. Killing It at paintings, Too we all know that I’m now not one to toot my very own horn, yet in the course of summer time of ’87 Senator Joe Biden skilled a shitload accomplishments. Don’t fear, it wasn’t all paintings and no play, I spent lots of time in Congress partying and banging lady representatives from all over the place those 50 nice states in point of fact, i used to be on one hell of a roll. I acquired right into a groove whereas writing laws and helped move a groundbreaking federal legislations requiring a minimal deadline of five mins for lap dances. i used to be getting shit performed left and correct. I labored tirelessly towards enhancing and modernizing the infrastructure of Congressional glory holes. That summer time I additionally made background by way of asserting that i used to be in prefer of homosexual marriage for girls. I stated it then and I’ll say it now, I’ll by no means waver from that trust. i used to be rather happy to guide the Senate softball staff to a massive victory over the ideal Court’s squad for the 1st time in 15 years. Didn’t have jackshit to paintings with both, only a bunch of scrubs, losers, and rejects. Getting these lifeless bastards within the Senate to prevail is a true try out of the ol’ management talents. after all, all people is familiar with that the perfect courtroom had a host of ringers by way of hiring all these strapping bailiffs and hotshot stenographers. That’s why I driven so demanding to reject Robert Bork’s nomination. That fucker was once one helluva shortstop. Plus, I didn’t take care of the way in which he handled lady’s rights. None of that mattered although, cuz I nailed 4 homers and at one aspect, while I acquired fairly cooking, struck out 15 directly batters with the “Smokin’ Joe’s Super-Fucking excessive As Shit Rainbowberry Blast Pitch. ” these whiffing crybabies stored whining approximately how the pitch was once unconstitutional. in spite of everything, we destroyed these best court docket puds sixteen to zilch. I bought your opinion the following suckers. FYI, I’m absolutely grabbing at my junk without delay. most sensible areas in DC to Get Baked • Lincoln Reflecting Pool: Cool your feet whenever you burn the sinsemilla. • Union Station: visit the men’s room and search for Dustin. He’s the homeless black dude in a maroon coat. Slip him fifty dollars and he’ll hook you up with a few killer weed, or tougher stuff if that’s your factor. • Arlington nationwide Cemetery: Salute our fallen heroes by means of getting larger than hell.