By Karl Welzein
Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most lovely loser
Karl Welzein is basically lookin' ahead to the weekend, you guys.
His activity is a drag and his spouse kicked him out, yet that is ok. She wears granny panties and is continually shedding wads of money at aim, and his son cries forever. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all of the Totino's pizza rolls. back. Karl Welzein is ailing of this. So unwell of this.
Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his trip from existence as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed occasion maniac who spits out his existence philosophies like a modern day Charles Bukowski (if he most well-liked to get under the influence of alcohol at Applebee's).
A middle-aged Michigan local, Karl might be obese, at risk of questionable type and culinary offerings, oblivious to his consuming challenge, a negative excuse for an worker, captivated with the restroom, and a poor husband, father, and pal . . . yet in his center he skill good. he is similar to loads of us—he loves america, man Fieri, daring flavors, Bob Seger, and considering he appears jacked in a good tee and Maui Jim sun shades. Karl is an everyman and prefer no different guy in the world all at once.
Inspired via the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl ultimately tells his complete tale. He stocks his knowledge on health (1. examine a pic of Stone chilly Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you appear to be Stone chilly. three. bring to a halt your sleeves), nutrition (Eat in basic terms the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for max taste and low-carb health), model (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I wish to retain cool, yet i am prepared if the motion will get hot"), paintings existence (If you do not have a role that makes you need to kill your self, you do not should drink until eventually you need to die), and the bliss of the right weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).
But principally, this can be a tale approximately America—the genuine crimson, white, and blue the USA of at the present time. Welcome to Karl's international. interpreting this publication is the final word energy Move.
Read or Download Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style PDF
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Extra resources for Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style
Desires to understand the place I am?! acknowledged she informed me approximately 6 p. m. supper final week. Musta been boozed or forgot to put in writing it down. wager she has steaks goin’, chips, chilly ones, the works! complete unfold. I’m kinda too bombed to determine sturdy or force and filled with ’za, yet headin’ over on Dave’s ten-speed. The party’s on! 1:15 A. M. burnt up beautiful undesirable on Dave’s ten-speed midway to Ann’s this night. tousled my jean shorts. Lyin’ at the aspect of the line with a scraped-up knee, pukin’ my guts out within the humidity, kinda made me suppose like i used to be in ’Nam. by no means been, yet I’d think that kinda factor occurred a ton. Dave’s ten-speed sucks. The chain falls off if it isn’t in first equipment, tires are nearly thoroughly flat, and the seat’s crooked. My crotch obtained all chafed. actual uncooked and smooth. Jean shorts and sweaty dampness don’t combine with a crooked seat, you men. Shoulda simply drove. bought to Ann’s an hour and a part overdue. Soaked with sweat and bleeding. Kinda badass? consider like that’s how a true guy may still input a Dad’s Day social gathering. Too undesirable the steaks have been all burned and chilly. Plus, my grasping son pigged down the entire Cool Ranch D’reets. not less than the chilly ones have been nonetheless positive. Ann received the great things. Sam Adams is for specific events. is going down so delicate with daring flavors. She in basic terms received a 6-pack even though. Who does that? For a Dad’s Day party? Six brews? It’s type of a kick within the sack. when you have a celebration and in basic terms have a 6-pack of suds, it’s now not a celebration. It’s simply sayin’, “You’re no longer welcome and we’d such as you to depart ASAP. ” I polished off the sixer, did a “no thank you” at the burned steak, and hit the bricks. i do know the place I’m no longer sought after. the one current I bought was once what i assumed used to be a “penis guy” from my son. grew to become out to be a magician. immediately within the trash. acquired ill of Dave’s crappy motorcycle at the means domestic. Threw it at the aspect of the line. Walked domestic in a lightning hurricane, prayin’ to get lit up. Shoulda simply stayed domestic with my ’za, Crown, and US Open. by no means go away a celebration you’re havin’ a blast at to visit one your family’s throwing you. Dad’s Day may be the occasion of the 12 months if dads acquired to spend it with humans they prefer to celebration with rather than their households. My internal thighs are so chafed from my rainy jean shorts, i will be able to infrequently circulate. i must stroll like a massive black gal. Jean shorts have to include a caution: could cause severe chafing if worn whereas rainy or sweaty. Dave’s complainin’ ’cause I threw his motorbike away at the aspect of the line. I’ve by no means noticeable him journey it. Says I owe him cash. What a rip-off artist. What’s a crappy 1987 Murray ten-speed worthy besides? I did him a want through takin’ that trash out for him. If something, Dave should still thank me that he’ll by no means need to experience that piece of crap back. My crotch is so destroyed, you men. MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2011 Went to paintings for approximately an hour. Crotch used to be in such soreness I needed to depart. additionally, threw up once or twice. imagine Ann acquired a few expired Sam Adams. most likely on sale. Figures. TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2011 Wore swim trunks to paintings this present day as a result of my uncooked crotch. Nosey woman turns out to have a pork with it.